My big baby!

Ever since, my son's surgery last month, I noticed how heavy he has gotten. Now don't get me wrong, my son is huge compared to other near 3 year olds. But now I can't even lift him without my arms becoming sore. This has been bothering me especially when I'm real self conscience about my own weight issues.

I use to be thin! I mean enough to model in my teens. In my twenties, I put on a significant amount of weight because life had changed. I had moved from a city to Surburbia America and had to drive even to the 7 Eleven. My weight has since fluctured up and down. Medically, I'm obese..but physically, I have extra weight. Thank God for being nearly 5'8! So needless to say, I have weight and body image issues. Now, its a given that my baby is going to be tall. When he turned one, he was already the height of a 2 1/2 year old. I was even told by the doctor that he will probaby be over 6'1 which makes sense to me. I'm tall, his father is tall, and my brother is over 6'1 too. But lately, my own body image issues has made me some what of a neurotic on his weight. I vowed not to be one of those parents but clearly its a concern for health reasons.

So Tuesday, I scheduled an appointment for him for a completely different reason (he had a sinus infection). I mentioned my concerns to the doctor as he now weighs 45lbs. She looked at him and said "he's fine and he's proportionate". I must have given her my famous "I don't believe you" stare because she proceeded to show me the growth chart for children and show me how he was fine. He's 41 inches long and 45lbs. Yes he's a little off the chart on weight but he's way off the chart on height. That made me feel better. We then talked about foods to give him and how he is clearly going through a growth spurt.

Ok so I'm a little less neurotic about it now but I've come to the conclusion that its not really the weight I need to worry (but I still do because I want him healthy), but I need to work more on my own issues with weight and body image. I don't want him to have these same issues. I've seen it happen way too many times, in fact, it happened to me. He'll have enough to deal with like when the day comes that he finally wants to know about his father and why he is not around! By the way, I was right, he has since dropped off the face of the earth again....and I say, thank goodness! So for now, I'm going to enjoy my baby while he is the happy, active, little man that he is before he is taller than me which at this rate, may be when he's six!

And so he lives!

You'll probably notice the time of this post. Yes, it truly is 2:44am right now. I woke up around 2am because my baby woke up. So after I comforted him back to sleep, I grabbed my phone that when I was first went to bed, was completed dead. I saw the light blinking so I went to check what was the source. And there it was, an email from the Demon. I had to look several times to make sure I was seeing it correctly, after all it is 2am. My eyes were not deceiving me, it was an email, a long one at that, from him.

In the email he goes on and on about how sorry he was for putting me through this and how he messes everything up, and how he is slowly killing himself drinking and doing drugs. He also said that all his kids hate him and don't want to see him (I wonder why). Oh and now its four kids, not the three, including my son, I knew about. And that I should do what I need regarding child support. He basically said goodbye to us as he ended it with tell my son I love him and I love you and your family too.

Now, excuse my french, but bullshit. You don't get yet another dramatic exit out this damn bitch anymore and so I called him out on it. You see, when I search his Facebook page to see if he is still where I think he is (for child support purposes which I don't get but am hoping that one day I will), he seems happiily ever after with his new girlfriend. Always smiling in their pictures together.  So to sit there and write me what really did appear as either a suicide or farewell note, was actually more insulting than anything. So I basically told him that but I also told him that if it was indeed true that he felt this horrible, then I'm not suprised. I am a strong believer in karma and you get what you put it in out of life and when you treat people, those that love you, like they are nothing, then eventually it come back to you. And just as I suspected all along, a person like that must not have many good nights. The guilt must consume them night after night. The fact that he emailed at 1:44am, really proves to me that this is true. I ended my response by telling him to get a vasectomy and stop ruining more people's lives.

Of course, he didn't like my response and told me how he wasn't looking for pity from me...so maybe someone can answer this for me. Then what the hell was he looking for if it wasn't pity? Why sit there and tell me how you screw everything up, its your daughter's birthday, life sucks, I want to die, blah, blah, blah and then tell you don't need my pity? What do you need then? Forgiveness? For me to say its ok that you haven't called your son since May of last year, even when you knew he was having major surgery? I'm sorry, maybe a year ago, but now I don't have to forgive and I don't have to put up with it. I did tell him that while I wanted nothing more than for my son to have his father around, he is better off without him and he did us both a favor when he left the country.

My response to his pity comment: learn how to handle the truth or face it and you'll be in a better place!

This may have just been the complete and utter last conversation with him but I feel good about it.

Here's to all the survivors who thought their heart would never mend!

Starting Over AGAIN

Well my baby is doing great, completely back to his normal self. It was time to go back to our normal routine this week which means mommy has to go to work and baby has to go to daycare...Can I just say that in the two weeks we were home, there was not a day that went by that I didn't think about him going back to school....the crying and screaming...I completely dreaded it. Well he didn't disappoint! He wasn't so bad on Monday which was odd to me. He cried a little but stopped while I was still there. I think he was a little excited to see his friends. Tuesday was a different story though. We hadn't even pulled into the parking lot when I hear his little cute voice say "no school mommy, not that way (pointing to the parking lot)". And today was an all out brawl.

He has been in daycare for a year now and it took months to be able to drop him off without a tear. Now, we have to relive the trauma. The day care provider tells me that he stops shortly after I leave but I still sit in my car nearly in tears myself. How long does this last? The funny thing is that sometimes he doens't want to go home when I pick him up.

I'll be the first to admit that my baby is some what of a mama's boy, I mean I am his only home caretaker and he spends a lot of time with me. But shouldn't he get over going to daycare much faster?

How do they do it?

I love my son more than life itself and I'm fascinated on how fast he learns things But..........I could never be a stay-at-home-mom! I'm almost sure that I'm really happy about going back to work tomorrow. After being at home for two weeks while he recovered from his surgery, I'm very much looking forward to going back to work. And, even though he was will have a fit tomorrow at daycare when I drop him off, I know he'll be happy to be there too.

Since being home, I've picked up, wash clothes, made more meals than were eaten, gained a few lbs, and aged. Thank God its back to life as I know it tomorrow!

Terrible Twos = Nervous Breakdown

Yesterday, I decided to get out of the house with my baby. We went to my cousin's house. We were both thrilled to get out the house. At first, he was fine playing with his cousins but then as the night progressed, it was like his other half was coming out. This boy went from screaming from the top of his lungs to hitting me. I nearly lost it. No, despite my cousin's belief that I kept my composure, I know I lost it for a second. I just wanted to get in my car and leave him there. Of course, after counting in my head to 10, I came back to my senses.

I knew exactly what the problem was, he was tired and sleepy. As soon as we were in the car, he was sound asleep. Why do children do this? Why do they fight sleep to the point of just becoming irritable and inconsolable? Do they really think they are going to miss out on something? I wish I was able to sleep whenever I wanted to; I can't even sleep when I am able to. And how do parents handle these horrible public temper tantrums? And what is it with the hitting?

I know my son cannot be the only 2 1/2 (three months shy from 3) year old child that acts this way. He's usually a pretty good and happy baby until you take away something he loves. His "not-tired tantrums" have significantly reduced and when he does have one, it's not that bad. But I've noticed that children born in this generation are nothing like those from previous. I'm 32 years old and still have utter respect for my mom. If I even thought about raising my hand at my mom when I was younger, well I don't even want to think about that. I understand that boys are different from girls. I have a younger brother and my mom's discipline didn't have the same effect on him like it did on me. Children these days seem to be born with the knowledge that took us years to learn.

But is it because he has no father around? Hmm, hard to tell, the only person he listens to IS my brother but he doesn't live with us either and doesn't see him daily. Is it because I'm too busy and tired that I let little things slide that now have become bigger issues? Could be, but when you are the ONLY caretaker and receive NO HELP FROM the other parent or the government, what are you suppose to do. Or is this just part of the terrible twos and will HOPEFULLY go away before I have a nervous breakdown? I SURE DO HOPE SO!