57.25

That is the number of inches I've lost in less than three months. Is that even possible? This number includes calves, ankles, neck, forearms, etc..but it still seems like a lot. I'm down two pant sizes and have lost 42 lbs. I barely just finished two months and have had these great results. Very happy!

Mickey Mouse....Here we come!

So in February, my family and I are taking my baby on a Disney cruise! I have to admit, my initial thought when we booked it last November was "oh man, am I going to be able to handle lil man on a cruise". Well now, I can hardly wait!

I paid off my cruise in August and as a birthday gift to mom, I paid her remaining balance. She has already paid my baby's off as that is his "every event" gift for the year. So we are ready to go! And now that my baby is almost fully potty trained (day only), I'm really excited. Yes, I know I mentioned back in the beginning of the year that we had started...well I abandoned the attempts because he just wasn't getting it. He is ready now. He will occasionally have accidents but not frequent. Thank goodness! He has also started behaving much better. Yes, he is still an active hyper kid, but he can also sit down for an hour and half and watch Toy Story 3 every single day without moving.

Now that I've lost a total of 33lbs this year (with more to go), I'm really really excited to show off my new body to the world and possibly the devil. Our cruise ports where he lives in the islands....what a coincidence! I have informed him of this and the dates but with him...you just never know. He might show up to see his son, but my bet is on he won't!

Anyways, we will have a blast regardless...

Less than 4 months away and counting!
Robomom

A NEW ME!

Its been a while, but I've been busy! Let's see, as far as my baby is concerned, well..he's not a baby anymore :-(... He whips out words and sentences now and I'm left thinking WTF...how does he know that? He is so independent now. There was a period where he was hitting and fighting everyone but it has since calm down. Whoever said twos were the worse...lied.....My baby was an angel compared to some of the tantrums at three. But slowly but surely, he is coming around.

We heard from the devil in August...temporarily as usual. My baby even spoke to him on the phone. It's so funny (not really), but you can even hear the detachment in the devil's voice when he speaks to him. It's like he's speaking to some random kid. He was more interested in speaking to me than his son and frankly, I had nothing to say to him....Well, I had plenty but chose to LET IT GO! I'm so over it. I have no love nor hatred towards him. I have finally comes to turn that I will never understand how a parent could truly have no feelings for their child. I'm done trying to figure it out. My family and I  give enough love that he doesn't miss anything. And somehow, I still manage not to talk crap about him to our son. What's the point? He'll see it on his own soon enough.

As for me, letting it all go has indeed opened up so many doors for me. I will be debt free next month...FINALLY! I have managed to pay everything off and afford things on my own now. I am officially back at school with an estimated graudation time of Spring 2012. I'm even in the process of losing weight and have lost 20lbs so far....Life is good. I really can't complain!

I am now a serious believer of letting go of the negative to allow positives in! God has always blessed me but now I'm not so focus on things I shouldn't be to notice it!

Till next time!
Robomom!

Uhmmm Terrible Twos Was Bad...But Nothing Like THREE!

I thank God everyday for my healthy, active, three year old son. I mean, just last year I couldn't say the same. He was always sick and in the hospital. And frankly, I prefer this boy over that fragile child of mine...BUT what in the world happened to him when he turned three....

Any chance he gets, he tries to defy me. I have literally told him the flying object is a helicopter but he fights me and says its a plane when it is clearly a helicopter. The trantrums are more extensive and now he's hitting and biting. I am afraid of picking him up at school everyday...not sure what complaint I will get that day.

So when I finally realized (through tears) that I had enough of this "who's in charge" war with my three year old, I broke down and emailed his pediatrician. "Is there something wrong with him? Is there something wrong with me? I'm going to have a nervous breakdown", I told her. And in three short paragraphs, she completely changed my life.

Paragraph one was one sentence.....Disciplining children at three can be very challenging.....was all it said...WTF does that mean I asked myself....then the next paragraph were book suggestions...and the last paragraph was how I was bound to find something from those books to help.

Of course I felt better knowing I wasn't alone! However, I didn't see how this would help..I mean he clearly was beyond teaching...Nevertheless, I sucked it up and order the three books she suggested online. They arrived on Friday....I managed to finish one by Saturday morning....(this is how desparate I am)...when we visited my cousin and my son smacked me in my face....I just knew I had to do something..especially when everyone comments. Funny everyone has an opinion on disclipining and I felt like a horrible mother because its not like I haven't tried those things. I nearly was short of beating him..but I don't believe in beatings....spankings...yes but not beating out of anger....We left shortly after this and headed home.

Home I went and finished the second book....it was time to change my ways.....I was quickly learning from these books that my frustration and the way I was dealing with him was only in a negative way. I was only paying attention to him when he was doing something wrong (which seems like all the time)...So when Sunday came and he was sitting there playing all by himself, I got down on the floor and grabbed a motorcycle and played with him. I said out loud everything he was doing and he just seemed so excited.

Of course, things won't change overnight so when he started getting a tantrum, I simply gave him an option. At first, he was startled that mommy wasn't raising her voice. I was too....and no matter how loud HE got, I refused to let it get to me....When he started crying because he wanted something, I told him. You have an option, You can either stop and watch the movie or you can keep crying and I will turn it off. He quickly stopped and then I thanked him for listening and for watching the movie...and that was it!  A BREAKTHROUGH.....I can't tell you how many times I had to give him options but eventually it stuck long enough for him to realize that this is the way it was going to be.....now I'm getting ready to pick him up and am hoping that he was not hitting or biting....

WTF

I've spent the majority of my life loving someone or another whom either didn't love me back or didn't love me enough. So now I'm taking time to invest my precious time on someone that I should have been taking care of all along.....ME!!!! So you would imagine my shock when a doctor, not a psychiatrist or psychologist told me last week that I needed to start dating again. I mean usually I'm told things like "take time for yourself" or "accomplish your goals before jumping into something", but nope, she told me to start dating. It probably had to do with my stress level. She said she wasn't suggesting it for the sex, but more so for compianship and going out.

After having some time to think about it, I'm now asking myself if she is right. I'm finally at a place in my life where I'm happy with myself...at the choices that I'm making and it has nothing to do with a man. I'm focused on my priorities and for once, they do not include a man....Yes, it gets lonely at times and yes, the routine of the day to day life bores me to tears sometimes, but in my mind, I know its temporary!

So if she were to tell me this today, I'd probably tell her...if it happens, great, if it doesn't....I'm GOOD!

And So It Begins!

As you know, I go to school. Therefore, twice a week my mom watches my son. When I got home last night, I heard him yapping away but I didn't hear my mom respond. When I finally went to her room, she was barely awake and my son was just talking and talking and talking. As soon as he saw me, he jumped up and hugged me. Then he started telling me a story about something that happened a week ago. All of a sudden, his voice got really loud and he was pointing his finger to me. My mom and I looked at eachother. Clearly someone had been yelling at my kid and he was mimicking that person. I asked him who talks to him like that and he responded "Mommy and Daddy". Clearly this isn't true because he hasn't seen his "daddy" in two years. So I asked him again and he said the same thing. I was left puzzled at where this daddy business came from.

Then he proceeded to me tell me that he wanted to get on a plane like grandma and papa and that he was going to the airport. He then said "Daddy is on the plane". You see, whenever he ask for him, I always tell him he's on a plane but the last time we had that conversations was months ago.  He then proceeded to have a conversation regarding his daddy.

My mom and I came up with the conclusion that he must be learning this at school. However, I'm now left with the reality that the questions will begin soon. Where is daddy? Why is he not here? How come I don't see daddy?

What's the right thing to say? Clearly I can't keep telling him his daddy is on a plane for the rest of his life. Despite my personal opinion of his father, I've never spoken negative towards him to my son. In fact, I often show him pictures or tell him fun stories about his daddy. However, he's growing up and starting to understand the dynamics which make up a family.

While I know that as he gets older, he will see things for himself. However, what does one do in the interim when he is too young to really get it but too old to pacify with vague answers?

Therapy

Ever since I had my son, I knew I had to get my shit together. I wasn't a mess per se, but there was so many things I could have done to better myself like finish college. So I'm back at school now and I'm even taking two summer classes, one being English. We have to write a research paper on a social issue that's dear to us. Well take a guess at what I'm writing about...yep single parenting!

So last night in class, she tells us that we need to do a narrative essay of our topic in a short story form. The essay should have at least 750 words and must express how this social topic has impacted your life. So I decided to focus from the day my son was born to the day his father left to show how great he was while he was here and how he decided one day to leave. I did mention how he has since disappeared since it's very relevant to the story.

Two thousand words later, I was shaky. It was the first time I had expressed myself on paper about that timeframe. Sure, I started writing an autobiography but I haven't gotten to the part he left. My essay forced me to remember the good, bad, and ugly of the past three years. I had even forgotten how he took my hand while we were opening our son's presents at his first birthday party (and had everyone thinking he was going to propose) and told everyone what a great mom I was. He even gave me a $100 gift certificate to a spa. Or how we did everything together as a family like taking our son to the zoo, aquarium, and just out for walks. He doesn't sound like that bad of a guy when I think of those things. But then I remember how all those family moments must have been planned because two days later he told me he was leaving in four days and he hasn't looked back.

That will be exactly two years ago two weeks from today. Its funny how you can forget all the little details that make up how you feel about a person but only hold the emotion deep down inside. I call this post Therapy because while for the most part, I'm doing just great, I haven't let go of the anger. I haven't let go of the disappointment or the hurt and writing is like therapy to me. So if I talk too much about the same thing over and over, just keep in mind that I'm healing myself to health.

Nostalgia!

In two days, I will be the mother of a three year old....YES....My "baby" is turning three and I'm still in on how fast time flies.

Everyone warned me how fast time would fly and how I need to enjoy every minute of it. For the most part I have, give or take a few days of "ugh..can this day end already", but overall, I still remember the day my water broke and 18 hours later, voila, I had a baby like it was yesterday.

The sad part of it all is that his birthday reminds me of the day I truly became a single parent. I mean, I've always been, but for his first year, his father was very much a part of his life. But two weeks after his first birthday, he left the country and never looked back. Or should I say, never looked back to his son since he has admitted to coming to the States since (but never called).

The past two years have been hard but I have learned so much about myself. I've learned that just when you think you can't go on, you can. I've learned that you will do anything for your child. I've learned that broken hearts do mend in time as long as you give yourself the opportunity to heal. I can go on, but you get the idea. People always say "God doesn't give us more than we can handle" and I've always agreed. But it wasn't until I was faced with a sick child by myself (besides my family), that I realized how true this was....

So happy birthday pumpkin! I can't wait to continue growing with you! Mommy loves you!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH POTTY TRAINING

Up until last week, my baby boy had no interest in potty training. Well he did a while ago and then it all went away. Once in a while, he would tell me he had to go to the potty but only after he had done his business in his pull-ups. Well then I was invited to attend an open house for an enriched preschool program at his daycare in which of course, he would have to be potty trained. I spent a good hour talking to the teachers at the open house and the Director about ways to get him interested because I was determined to get him in this class. Now, the class starts in September and its April but hey better start early. So I decided that in the beginning of the week, he would go to school without pull-ups, just undies. Day 1...six accidents, Day 2....3 accidents, Day 3....7 accidents...etc....Need I go on? I spent every day of the week washing clothes and taking it back to daycare. But by Day 4 I noticed that he no longer needed to go to the potty every half hour. Progress!!!!!!!!!!!! This past weekend was just like the last week...a few accidents but he was getting better and telling me he had to go before he went. And then there was yesterday!

After washing more clothes this weekend, I took what seemed to be hundreds of pants, underwears, socks, and shoes to school in the morning for the inevitable accidents. Well, by the time I parked in front of the school, I was dreading seeing the bag of dirty clothes. I got to the classroom and the kids were not there. They were outside. I went straight to his cubby looking for the bag and NO BAG. I read his progress report of the day and NO "PEED IN PANTS" COMMENTS. I just thought that they had not written it down so I head outside to pick him up. And there he was....my baby still had the clothes I dropped him off on. I could not believe it. I had tears in my eyes. Of course we got home and he had two accidents but hey...its definitely 80% better from only a week ago! 

My big baby!

Ever since, my son's surgery last month, I noticed how heavy he has gotten. Now don't get me wrong, my son is huge compared to other near 3 year olds. But now I can't even lift him without my arms becoming sore. This has been bothering me especially when I'm real self conscience about my own weight issues.

I use to be thin! I mean enough to model in my teens. In my twenties, I put on a significant amount of weight because life had changed. I had moved from a city to Surburbia America and had to drive even to the 7 Eleven. My weight has since fluctured up and down. Medically, I'm obese..but physically, I have extra weight. Thank God for being nearly 5'8! So needless to say, I have weight and body image issues. Now, its a given that my baby is going to be tall. When he turned one, he was already the height of a 2 1/2 year old. I was even told by the doctor that he will probaby be over 6'1 which makes sense to me. I'm tall, his father is tall, and my brother is over 6'1 too. But lately, my own body image issues has made me some what of a neurotic on his weight. I vowed not to be one of those parents but clearly its a concern for health reasons.

So Tuesday, I scheduled an appointment for him for a completely different reason (he had a sinus infection). I mentioned my concerns to the doctor as he now weighs 45lbs. She looked at him and said "he's fine and he's proportionate". I must have given her my famous "I don't believe you" stare because she proceeded to show me the growth chart for children and show me how he was fine. He's 41 inches long and 45lbs. Yes he's a little off the chart on weight but he's way off the chart on height. That made me feel better. We then talked about foods to give him and how he is clearly going through a growth spurt.

Ok so I'm a little less neurotic about it now but I've come to the conclusion that its not really the weight I need to worry (but I still do because I want him healthy), but I need to work more on my own issues with weight and body image. I don't want him to have these same issues. I've seen it happen way too many times, in fact, it happened to me. He'll have enough to deal with like when the day comes that he finally wants to know about his father and why he is not around! By the way, I was right, he has since dropped off the face of the earth again....and I say, thank goodness! So for now, I'm going to enjoy my baby while he is the happy, active, little man that he is before he is taller than me which at this rate, may be when he's six!

And so he lives!

You'll probably notice the time of this post. Yes, it truly is 2:44am right now. I woke up around 2am because my baby woke up. So after I comforted him back to sleep, I grabbed my phone that when I was first went to bed, was completed dead. I saw the light blinking so I went to check what was the source. And there it was, an email from the Demon. I had to look several times to make sure I was seeing it correctly, after all it is 2am. My eyes were not deceiving me, it was an email, a long one at that, from him.

In the email he goes on and on about how sorry he was for putting me through this and how he messes everything up, and how he is slowly killing himself drinking and doing drugs. He also said that all his kids hate him and don't want to see him (I wonder why). Oh and now its four kids, not the three, including my son, I knew about. And that I should do what I need regarding child support. He basically said goodbye to us as he ended it with tell my son I love him and I love you and your family too.

Now, excuse my french, but bullshit. You don't get yet another dramatic exit out this damn bitch anymore and so I called him out on it. You see, when I search his Facebook page to see if he is still where I think he is (for child support purposes which I don't get but am hoping that one day I will), he seems happiily ever after with his new girlfriend. Always smiling in their pictures together.  So to sit there and write me what really did appear as either a suicide or farewell note, was actually more insulting than anything. So I basically told him that but I also told him that if it was indeed true that he felt this horrible, then I'm not suprised. I am a strong believer in karma and you get what you put it in out of life and when you treat people, those that love you, like they are nothing, then eventually it come back to you. And just as I suspected all along, a person like that must not have many good nights. The guilt must consume them night after night. The fact that he emailed at 1:44am, really proves to me that this is true. I ended my response by telling him to get a vasectomy and stop ruining more people's lives.

Of course, he didn't like my response and told me how he wasn't looking for pity from me...so maybe someone can answer this for me. Then what the hell was he looking for if it wasn't pity? Why sit there and tell me how you screw everything up, its your daughter's birthday, life sucks, I want to die, blah, blah, blah and then tell you don't need my pity? What do you need then? Forgiveness? For me to say its ok that you haven't called your son since May of last year, even when you knew he was having major surgery? I'm sorry, maybe a year ago, but now I don't have to forgive and I don't have to put up with it. I did tell him that while I wanted nothing more than for my son to have his father around, he is better off without him and he did us both a favor when he left the country.

My response to his pity comment: learn how to handle the truth or face it and you'll be in a better place!

This may have just been the complete and utter last conversation with him but I feel good about it.

Here's to all the survivors who thought their heart would never mend!

Starting Over AGAIN

Well my baby is doing great, completely back to his normal self. It was time to go back to our normal routine this week which means mommy has to go to work and baby has to go to daycare...Can I just say that in the two weeks we were home, there was not a day that went by that I didn't think about him going back to school....the crying and screaming...I completely dreaded it. Well he didn't disappoint! He wasn't so bad on Monday which was odd to me. He cried a little but stopped while I was still there. I think he was a little excited to see his friends. Tuesday was a different story though. We hadn't even pulled into the parking lot when I hear his little cute voice say "no school mommy, not that way (pointing to the parking lot)". And today was an all out brawl.

He has been in daycare for a year now and it took months to be able to drop him off without a tear. Now, we have to relive the trauma. The day care provider tells me that he stops shortly after I leave but I still sit in my car nearly in tears myself. How long does this last? The funny thing is that sometimes he doens't want to go home when I pick him up.

I'll be the first to admit that my baby is some what of a mama's boy, I mean I am his only home caretaker and he spends a lot of time with me. But shouldn't he get over going to daycare much faster?

How do they do it?

I love my son more than life itself and I'm fascinated on how fast he learns things But..........I could never be a stay-at-home-mom! I'm almost sure that I'm really happy about going back to work tomorrow. After being at home for two weeks while he recovered from his surgery, I'm very much looking forward to going back to work. And, even though he was will have a fit tomorrow at daycare when I drop him off, I know he'll be happy to be there too.

Since being home, I've picked up, wash clothes, made more meals than were eaten, gained a few lbs, and aged. Thank God its back to life as I know it tomorrow!

Terrible Twos = Nervous Breakdown

Yesterday, I decided to get out of the house with my baby. We went to my cousin's house. We were both thrilled to get out the house. At first, he was fine playing with his cousins but then as the night progressed, it was like his other half was coming out. This boy went from screaming from the top of his lungs to hitting me. I nearly lost it. No, despite my cousin's belief that I kept my composure, I know I lost it for a second. I just wanted to get in my car and leave him there. Of course, after counting in my head to 10, I came back to my senses.

I knew exactly what the problem was, he was tired and sleepy. As soon as we were in the car, he was sound asleep. Why do children do this? Why do they fight sleep to the point of just becoming irritable and inconsolable? Do they really think they are going to miss out on something? I wish I was able to sleep whenever I wanted to; I can't even sleep when I am able to. And how do parents handle these horrible public temper tantrums? And what is it with the hitting?

I know my son cannot be the only 2 1/2 (three months shy from 3) year old child that acts this way. He's usually a pretty good and happy baby until you take away something he loves. His "not-tired tantrums" have significantly reduced and when he does have one, it's not that bad. But I've noticed that children born in this generation are nothing like those from previous. I'm 32 years old and still have utter respect for my mom. If I even thought about raising my hand at my mom when I was younger, well I don't even want to think about that. I understand that boys are different from girls. I have a younger brother and my mom's discipline didn't have the same effect on him like it did on me. Children these days seem to be born with the knowledge that took us years to learn.

But is it because he has no father around? Hmm, hard to tell, the only person he listens to IS my brother but he doesn't live with us either and doesn't see him daily. Is it because I'm too busy and tired that I let little things slide that now have become bigger issues? Could be, but when you are the ONLY caretaker and receive NO HELP FROM the other parent or the government, what are you suppose to do. Or is this just part of the terrible twos and will HOPEFULLY go away before I have a nervous breakdown? I SURE DO HOPE SO!

So we made it through week 1 of post op!

Well today marks seven days since my baby's surgery. Oh and for those that don't know me, my baby is nearly three and the size of a four and half year old kid. But if you are a parent, you understand that no matter how old your child is, he/she will always be your baby. Correction: if you are a parent who gives a damn, that is.



I knew something was not right with my baby since he was about three months old. Even the devil had to admit that a three month old baby should not snore as loud as a 40 year old man. But the pediatrician kept saying he's too young, he's too young. This went on for two years. Finally, three strep throat infections in about eight months later, a doctor (who is now is primary doctor), referred us to the ENT (ear, nose, and throat doctor). Sure enough, my baby's adenoids and tonsils were enlarged. Enlarged adenoids and tonsils does not necessary mean that they must be removed. Many children have them enlarged. However, the ENT suspected that the enlargement might be causing obstructive sleep apnea. It was evident in the way he breathed while he was awake. He always sounded out of breath or like he had run three miles. The obstructive sleep apnea was confirmed through a sleep study. Obstructive sleep apnea causes the person to lose oxygen (or stop breathing) for a period of time when they are sleeping because in his case, the adenoid and tonsils were causing the air passage to be blocked. Most pediatrician become concern if a patient's oxygen level drops lower than 95%. So if you or your child ever had a doctor stick that little thing on your fingers to measure your oxygen level, then you know what I'm talking about. If you or your child have asthma, then you definitely know what I'm talking about. Well my baby's oxygen level while sleeping went as low as 81% which is very dangerous. Needless to say, surgery was scheduled.



So despite the "I hate you and you don't deserve for him to even carry your last name" side of me, I emailed the devil in December to let him know about the upcoming surgery. No response. Not even a "what for" or a "is he ok", nada, zippo, zilch. Yes it hurts but life goes on. I had not received a response from him about anything since May so I've grown accustomed to this. I emailed him once again with the new date after my baby's surgery was rescheduled. I even emailed him pictures the day of the surgery of our son right after surgery. Again, nothing! That was a week ago and I still haven't received a response. For all he knows, our son could have perished. I never did tell him what the surgery was for.



Oh and before you question if he even received my emails or pictures...my parents went to his country after docking there with a cruiseline. They met him at his job (yes he has a job but has failed to send his son any money since the day he left which was June 17, 2009) and he told them that he reads every update I send and looks at every picture as well...but apparently I'm not worth a "thank you" or a simple "got it". So you see, I'm pretty sure he knew about the surgery.



Oh and before you say "well maybe he doesn't care", to you I say "uhm yeah I know", but its still very hard to grasp how someone did care so much to the point where they would argue with my mom about how that is his son and no one is going to take him away from him. This is the same devil that when my son and I dropped him off at the airport the day he left, cried and said I love you even though we weren't together. This is the same devil that spent every free minute at my house from the moment my son was born to the day he left. Oh and this is the devil that was in the delivery room watching his son being born and was the first person to hold him. Yet this is the same devil that won't even check to see how his son is doing after a surgery.



But anyway, did the surgery help? Heck yea! I now check to see if he's breathing because he's so quiet. He no longer breathes like he is out of breath. But don't get me wrong, it hasn't been a great week either. The pain is unbearable; he ended up back in the ER the day after he was discharged with a fever and dehydration. But as each day passes by, he does a little better and no longer needing the pain medication as scheduled but rather as needed. As for mommy, I'm finally getting some kind of sleep. And although, I'm working from home for two weeks so I can stay home with him, its actually been like a mini vacation. Despite all the work it takes to care of a recovering child, the hardest part for me, was seeing him being put to sleep. It was like they took his breath and were holding his lifeless body. I hope I never have to see that again.



As for the devil, I have to believe that when he lays down every night, his conscience doesn't let him sleep. Because no matter how far he is, he can't runaway from the truth and the truth is he still has a son in the US! And now, his mommy is going to make some noise!

Hello!

Hi everyone and thank you for stopping by. First I wanted to point out that this blog is not about how awful or evil my baby is (I realize the title might throw you off). This blog is about the joys and hardships of taking care of a child who spent the first year of his life along with his mom (that's me) and dad aka "the devil" as he will be referred to on this blog and then have the devil simply disappear to another country. I'll tell you all about my adventures with the state on getting help, the illnesses, the everyday "how am I going to pay for that" dilemmas, and how at the end of the day, I feel blessed and wouldn't change it for anything in the world.

I hope you enjoy my blog and I apologize in advance if I offend or hurt someone's feelings; I tend to just write what I feel. But I do promise to post a new entry at least once a week.